(From my friend Martin):
- Begin every sermon with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."
- Place a roller coaster "You Must Be This Tall" sign at the entrance of the sanctuary.
- Keep the Christmas Pageant livestock in the choir room year 'round.
- If you have an auditorium that slopes down to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service every week.
- Put a blank for "weight" on the membership invitation forms.
- Demand mandatory drug testing for all senior adult excursions.
- Have the organist play baseball cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.
- Before taking up the offering, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"
- Charge restroom tolls.
- Illustrate every sermon with a scene from "Walker, Texas Ranger."
- Use the "American Idol" format for new member classes.
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