Thursday, April 07, 2005

I Have Officially Seen Everything

Hoo, boy! Something is seriously out of whack with the planetary alignment. In the past two days I have read two columns by conservative commentators that have really blown my mind. If what these two guys have to say is actually true, something is going on that is way more freaky than anyone could have predicted.

Today, Jonah Goldberg wrote a column claiming an issue for conservatives that, I have to say, I have never really heard claimed by them before. Listen to this: conservatives are now ... (are you sitting down?) ... environmentalists. That's right, according to Mr. Goldberg, being rich makes you environmentally friendly. As if any of us actually know what happens to our garbage after we put it on the curb, let alone care! And I don't even want to mention the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge, do I? When forests are bulldozed to make room for new neighborhoods of half-million dollar homes on a daily basis - this is environmentalism? Give me a break.

But even more bizaare was yesterday, when David Brooks tried to make a claim that conservatives are actually ... (and if you weren't sitting down before, you should definitely do so now) ... diverse! Now I actually agree with Mr. Brooks' claim here; it's what entering the rainbow is all about. But Brooks says it as if it is a brand new idea he is introducing to the world. Furthermore, he entreats liberals to claim their own diversity as a way to make themselves stronger, since it has evidently worked so well for the conservatives. The kicker is, of course, that diversity is now and always has been a core value of liberalism. I am grateful that Mr. Brooks is just now discovering that conservatives are a diverse group, but I could have told him that a long time ago. So don't try to "introduce" liberals to the concept, please. When it comes to diversity, we pretty much already know that song. (It is even hard for me to use the labels "conservative" and "liberal," as I have in this entry, because doing so paints with too wide a brush stroke. I do so merely for the sake of simplicity.)

Somebody tell me what is going on! With environmentalism and diversity now being claimed by more conservative types, what will be next? Might conservatives begin supporting Head Start? Maybe public schools will be "discovered" next by the political right. One morning, a conservative columnist is going to write, "Hey, I just noticed that there are poor people in our country who need help!" If that happens, we will then know for certain that the planets are lining up funny! At least, by noticing their own diversity, Mr. Brooks and other conservatives may start to notice the rest of the world, too.
Grace and Peace,
Andy B.


Seamhead said...

Andy if you read this you might feel a little better. (I'm assuming you are registered with the NY Times)

This is a real compassionate conservative. And he's already being bashed for this column.

Anonymous said...

I must say... this made me laugh..quite a bit actually. When people of a certain intrest group say things that dont match up at all with what they truely are, it discredits them in my mind. Not that the conservatives arent diverse, but environmentalist? Come on now! we all know that their environmentalism is nowhere near the same as what the rest of the world calls it.

John said...

Leap of logic here. Just because conservatives discover an issue does not mean that they will respond with government intervention.