Thursday, May 22, 2008

Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth

(From my friend Martin):

- Begin every sermon with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."

- Place a roller coaster "You Must Be This Tall" sign at the entrance of the sanctuary.

- Keep the Christmas Pageant livestock in the choir room year 'round.

- If you have an auditorium that slopes down to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service every week.

- Put a blank for "weight" on the membership invitation forms.

- Demand mandatory drug testing for all senior adult excursions.

- Have the organist play baseball cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.

- Before taking up the offering, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"

- Charge restroom tolls.

- Illustrate every sermon with a scene from "Walker, Texas Ranger."

- Use the "American Idol" format for new member classes.


Allan R. Bevere said...


Good ones!

Ryan Dunn said...

I can affirm most of these... but I think you're undercutting the usefulness of Walker: Texas Ranger. Imagine each time you drop a profound thought on the congregation being accented by a Chuck Norris round-house on the vid screen. Pow!!

John Meunier said...

When Chuck Norris goes to hell, it isn't because he sinned. It's because he's going to kick Satan's butt.

Anonymous said...

So Andy, I am not the only one that sees the assets of Chuck Norris. He would be a distraction from the annoying church growth problem!!! And..........yes he would kick Satan's butt, cause Walker is already "real upset"!!